Fights You Thought You'd Never See
by Ghimpy G
Summary: A spoof of Celebrity Death Match and celebrities in general. Rating for violence and laungauge.


Fights You Thought You'd Never See  
  
Round One: Saturday, July 13, 2002  
  
THE G: Hi I'm the G.  
  
EVIL WEASLE: And I'm the Evil Weasle.  
  
BOTH: Welcome to the first installment of FIGHTS YOU THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER SEE!!!!!  
  
THE G:Fed up with the antics of MTV's Celebrity Death Match and Fox's Celebrity Boxing. . . .   
  
EVIL WEASLE: And unable to find a TV Guide that accually tells when they come on.....  
  
THE G: We have created a hellish celebrity battle of our own.  
  
EVIL WEASLE: Each night has a theme from which all the battles are formulated.  
  
THE G: Our scientists slave over the lab coming up with crazy ideas and slapping together matches with celebrities that have some strange linking but appear to ahve nothing in common.... *runs out of breath*  
  
EVIL WEASLE: Tonight's theme is a crazy one.  
  
THE G: Oh yeah.  
  
EVIL WEASLE: Realizing how many people have similar names to other people in the entertainment biz, we linked them together for some strange fights that will leave you mental disturbed and physically distorted.  
  
THE G: A crazy SNL comedian famous for rocking out from his basement buts heads with a pale faced cereal killer of the same name....  
  
EVIL WEASLE: A famous singing/dancing black nun puts down the bible and up her dukes to duel with a fat sweaty bald guy OF THE SAME NAME...  
  
THE G: And the main event....a bun squeezing diet plan promoting white guy with an afro goes toe-to-toe with a long tounged, facepainted shock rocker with A NAME SOMEWHAT SIMILAR....  
  
EVIL WEASLE: Yup, that about sums it up.  
  
THE G: Let's go to announcer DJ Squall at ringside.  
  
DJ SQUALL: In the blue corner....the famous comedian hailing from Canada.....known to coin such phrases as "Shagadelic, Baby! Yeah!" and "We're Not Worthy!"....the one and only Mike Myers!!!!! *crowd cheers*  
  
DJ SQUALL: And in the red corner *lights dim, cue theme from "Halloween" movies*.....the chilling mass murder who wears a pale mask.....I can't say anything else or he'll stab my ass....Michael Myers!!!!! *crowd screams in terror*  
  
MILLS LANE: Now I wan't a good clean fight. NOW LET'S GET IT ON! *bell rings*  
  
MIKE MYERS: Whoa, dude. Rock on!   
  
MICHAEL MYERS: *grunts* Mmmmm.....  
  
MIKE MYERS: I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy! It's Michael Myers! Dude!  
  
MICHAEL MYERS: *unsheathes huge butcher knife* Hmm...hmmm...hmmmm...  
  
MIKE MYERS: Dude What are you gonna do with that?  
  
MICHAEL MYERS: *swings blade swifty at Mike's head slicing his hat into but not phazing his head* Shmmmm....  
  
MIKE MYERS: *spins around and pulls duel swords from behind him* Hi-yahhh!!! *swings swords in true Wayne's World 2 fashion tearing his pants to shreads*  
  
MICHAEL MYERS: Ynmmmm....  
  
MIKE MYERS: *chunks duel swords and pins Michael Myers to nearby concrete wall* Take that....cool! *croutchin tiger, hidden dragon rip off. Mike does a jumpkick and hits Michael in the head removing his mask*  
  
CROWD: *gasps*  
  
FAN #1: Oh my God!!!! It's Michael Jackson!!!!  
  
*the face revealed from underneath the pale mask is, in fact, Michael Jackson*  
  
MIKE MYERS: What the hell?!?!?!?  
  
MICHAEL JACKSON: You just ruined like $500 worth of plastic surgery!!!!   
  
MIKE MYERS: Dude...Ass Phincter say what?  
  
MICHAEL JACKSON: What?  
  
MIKE MYERS: *giggles*  
  
MICHAEL JACKSON: Oh now it's on boy. Who's bad? *does moonwalk and haymakers Mike to the ground.  
  
MIKE MYERS: *spits out tooth* I'm not worthy....really!!!!  
  
MICHAEL JACKSON: When I get ahold on your ass I'm gonna beat it!!! HOO!!!  
  
MIKE MYERS: Desperate times call for desperate measures. *spins around in a MJ mocking fashion changing outfits from Wayne to Austin Powers* Yeah, baby!!!  
  
MICHAEL JACKSON: You stole my move! Now I'll have to hit you and I won't stop til I get enough!  
  
MIKE MYERS: Are you a bird or a man, man? I can't quite tell. But I'll tell you one thing, baby, you must shag like a minx!!  
  
MICHAEL JACKSON: *grabs nuts* HOOOOOOOOO! *all the glass in the area breaks and leaves Mike on his knees* don't thing that just because I fondle little boys that I'll sleep with you, Mike. That right is reserved for Lisa Marie....oh...um...and little boys.  
  
MIKE MYERS: *stands up and kicks Michael in the nuts*  
  
MICHAEL JACKSON: Doesn't work, smartypants. Nothing there to kick. *grabs Mike by the hair and rams his head into the turnbuckle* That was a thriller!  
  
MIKE MYERS: *Pulls Swedish Maid pump from pocket* I swear it's not mine! *executes the Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery submittion move*  
  
MICHAEL JACKSON: Oh......my ovaries!!!!  
  
MIKE MYERS: That's not Michael Jackson...it's a man, man!  
  
CROWD: *laughs* *bell rings*  
  
MILLS LANE: And the winner is...Mike Myers.   
  
THE G: Great fight.  
  
EVIL WEASLE: *jaw dropped in awe* Awwwww....  
  
THE G'S ASS: *high pitched voice* Hello! I'm the G's Ass Cunt.  
  
EVIL WEASLE: Shut up, G, and put some close on.  
  
THE G'S ASS: I'm not the G I'm his ass!!!  
  
EVIL WEASLE: Ummm..ok...moving on to fight two....  
  
DJ SQUALL: In the blue corner....the nun who's a ton of fun...the queen of black comedy....the greatest thing in dreads since Bob Marley....Whoopi Goldberg!!!! *crowd gets tired of cheering*  
  
DJ SQUALL: In the red corner...waying in at hella pounds....yeah, this guy will stab me too...nevermind....Goldberg!!! *crowd boos*  
  
GOLDBERG: Shut the hell up!!! *crowd quickly silences*  
  
MILLS LANE: I want a good clean fight...  
  
GOLDBERG: Get on with it old man!  
  
MILLS LANE: What did you call me?  
  
GOLDBERG: Turn your hearing aid up so you can hear me better, old man!  
  
WHOOPI: Bad move, Goldilocks.  
  
MILLS LANE: *grabs Goldberg's leg and rips it off then shoves it in his ass* Can you taste it, bitch?  
  
GOLDBERG: *chokes*  
  
WHOOPI: Damn! *runs in opposite direction*  
  
MILLS LANE: Can you say it now?  
  
GOLDBERG: *slurred speech* I'm your bitch and you're my daddy.  
  
MILLS LANE: You damn strait. And the winner is....me!  
  
WHOOPI: *puts mills in a headlock and snaps his neck* no me!!  
  
GOLDBERG: *pukes up toes in projectile vomit that singes Whoopi's face*  
  
MILLS LANE: Allright enough of this. *explodes in flames to become Super Saian Mills Lane*  
  
S.S. MILLS: Ka-meh-ahm-meh-ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *shoots fireball that levels the arena and kills everyone*  
  
THE G'S CORPSE: I'm dead.  
  
EVIL WEASLE'S CORPSE: Dude, me too.  
  
DJ SQUALL'S CORPSE: I see the light! Oooh! Pretty colors!!!  
  
THE G'S CORPSE: Noooo! Do go into the light!!!!  
  
EVIL WEASLE'S CORPSE: There's only one way to stop the process!!! HIT IT! *"Thriller" begins to play as the bodies begin breakdancing*  
  
THE G'S CORPSE: I feel better already.  
  
DJ SQUALL'S CORPSE: Me too.  
  
EVIL WEASLE'S CORPSE: Let's go to the makeshift ring in the bomb shelter!  
  
*crew moves to bomb shelter arena*  
  
THE G'S CORPSE: The main event begins...now!  
  
DJ SQUALL'S CORPSE: In the blue corner...the work out king...creator of the buns-a-sizer....the fro sportin' white guy.....Richard Simmons! *crowd boos*  
  
DJ SQUALL'S CORPSE: In the red corner...yup, he could definitly kick my ass. The one and only long-tounged Kiss singer...Gene Simmons! *crowd roars*   
  
S.S. MILLS LANE: Anybody got any problems??? Didn't think so. No I want a good clean fight. Let's get it on!!! *bell rings*  
  
RICHARD SIMMONS: I'll give you such a pinch!!! *throws punch and bust Gene's jaw*  
  
GENE SIMMONS: *blood erupts from mouth*  
  
RICHARD SIMMONS: Ooh, I didn't know I hit that hard!!! Te he he!!  
  
GENE SIMMONS: *swift quick to Richard's groin* Dumbass! It's stage blood!  
  
RICHARD SIMMONS: Waaa!!!! That hurt me!  
  
GENE SIMMONS: I meant it to.  
  
RICHARD SIMMONS: I'm mad now, Gene!  
  
GENE SIMMONS: Try something! I'm gonna kick your ass all night and beat you everyday!!!  
  
RICHARD SIMMONS: You should go on a diet fatty!!! *chunks can of slim fast at Gene that explode like grenades*  
  
GENE SIMMONS: *whipes slim fast from eyes* Well, try this on for size!!! *draws guitar*  
  
FAN #1: *from audience* Hey, is Gene's axe half guitar or is his guitar just half axe?  
  
GENE SIMMONS: *strums power chord that bolts electricity at Richard*  
  
RICHARD SIMMONS: *falls to knees*   
  
GENE SIMMONS: Prepare to die!!! *brings guitar above head axe first and swings to decapitate Richard in a fountain of blood*  
  
CROWD: *ooh's and aah's* *cheers big for Gene as blood stops*  
  
S.S. MILLS LANE: And the winner is.....Mr. Simmons!   
  
CROWD: Huh?  
  
S.S. MILLS LANE: Oh, sorry, Mr. Gene Simmons. Any other problems.  
  
CROWD: No!!!  
  
THE G'S CORPSE: That was one hell of a fight!  
  
EVIL WEASLE'S CORPSE: You can say that again.  
  
THE G'S CORPSE: That was one hell of a fight!  
  
DJ SQUALL'S CORPSE: I hear ya, lod and clear.  
  
THE G'S CORPSE: That's all for the first installment of FYTYNS. I'm the G.  
  
EVIL WEASLE'S CORPSE: I'm Evil Weasle.  
  
DJ SQUALL'S CORPSE: You know me.  
  
BEER GUY:*from crowd* Get ya beer. Get ya BEER!!! Bad fight....Bud Light.  
  
THE G'S CORPSE: I don't think that's it.  
  
EVIL WEASLE'S CORPSE: Well go with it....if we steal anything else from Celebrity Death Match they might sue us.  
  
BEER GUY: Don't use my slogan biotch or I'll sue ya!!!  
  
DJ SQUALL'S CORPSE: Well fuck that idea.  
  
THE G'S CORPSE: *slding back and forth in seat with pelvic thrusts*  
  
EVIL WEASLE'S CORPSE: What are you doing?  
  
THE G'S CORPSE: Fucking that idea.  
  
DJ SQUALL'S CORPSE: Ewww...  
  
THE G'S CORPSE: Shut the hell up you're dead.  
  
DJ SQUALL'S CORPSE: Well you are too!!!  
  
THE G'S CORPSE: No I'm just dead sexy!!!!  
  
EVIL WEASLE'S CORPSE: For us here at FYTYNS....Get the Hell outta here!!!  
  
ALL: *continuing to bicker*  
  
*camera fades out*  
  
A/N: That was crazy as hell. Give me some input. Please Read & Review or I'll bodyslam your ass (lol jk) 


End file.
